The Burkini Quartermaster Extravaganza

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Are you well?

THE KING()

THE KING
In the head?

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Of course not.

THE KING()

THE KING
In the world?

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
In the world.

THE KING()

THE KING
In the small intestine perhaps?
I’ve been accused of too much spleen upon occasion.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Yeah, tales of your fat-ass spleen preceded you.
But in general, like alive and well, tho particularly quiet this weekend.

 

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THE BOOK OF T.

THE SAD BUTT HEART

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
I think you might need art classes as your heart looks like a sad butt :\ then again, it’s not all left-brain angles and cubism so there’s hope for you

THE KING()

THE KING
Have we had the talk about the narcissism of women loving hearts? *coy*

 

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
We have not, but we should get that conversation on the schedule ASAP. *makes mental note to hide big fat heart tattoo*

THE KING()

THE KING
Tis not a long talk. *coy + baiting the conversation*

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
The King’s humble servant would be honored to gather a flamboyance of females around the stage in the courtyard to hear thy majesty’s words of wisdom on this subject. Said oration would of course be preceded by a poor piano rendition of O Worship The King All Glorious Above. *thinks all this coyness might soon render thee a tease*

THE KING()

THE KING
The King doth beseech his prophetess to consider the shapeliness of the heart, and to consider the inspiration thereof. If The Prophetess would but open her eyes, she of the quick mind and wit would ere long discover that which the King’s vision saw these many years hence.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Riddles will get thee nowh… ahh who doth I attempt to kid? Riddles and compliments of wit will get thee shade from The Prophetess’ tree any time.
Having reflected upon said symbol’s origins (post googled refresher, avoiding as many awkwardly anatomical five-lettered words as possible) thy humble servant hopes that when the time comes, The King will find a more shapely-hearted Queen (or Consort – no judgment) than the #sadbuttheart he has envisioned.

THE KING()

THE KING
Alas, the King’s hand must be strong in sword, not in quill. The King doth grant his prophetess her will in this matter, however, inasmuch as the King’s hand doth not do the original the favour it deserveth.
The King didst not consult the Googlic Oracle for this wisdom, butt was at pains to learn of it by the candle flame of his own soul. Foreign gods and their shrines and wisdom shouldst be beneath us.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Wouldst that thou refrain from begrudging The Prophetess the company of the Googlic Oracle as they are third cousins twice removed, a relationship which occasionally allows thy humble servant to approximate a level of discourse befitting The King’s wondrous but wandering intellect.

THE KING()

THE KING
Didst the King’s coyness sufficiently shield him from the wrath of the Prophetess? Twas not an accusation of a grave and mortal form of narcissism, but merely a trifling and humorous one.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
The fate of the prophets is generally to suffer wrath rather than wield it, so yes, the coy King is safe…..for now.

THE KING()

THE KING
The King is never safe from his own hands, this much is true, nor is the Prophetess… But for each, there is a Glorious and Ancient Cookie reserved in Valhalla which will propel them forward until the end of their sufferings and shall redeem their time on this miserable Earth.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Doth this ancient cookie contain chocolate? For a vision struck The Prophetess upon this very moment, reminding her that she hath stale Oreos stashed away which may sustain thy Grace until the blessed day doth arrive.

THE KING()

THE KING
No living soul knoweth what the Glorious and Ancient Cookie containeth. It has been argued amongst the honorable grey-haired for many moons past.
The King doth politely decline thy generous offer of stale Oreos, as his future queen may perhaps prefer his buttocks to be of lesser magnitude than they have been of late.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Having run a brain-search on +king +buttocks jokes and finding few appropriate and equally comedic results, I withdraw the offer of stale Oreos and will, if asked, deny their existence forthwith.
As for the matter of the Glorious and Ancient Cookie … I await, with semi-baited breath, my reward for the suffering bestowed upon us by a universe that careth not to protect our sensitive souls.
‘Til then, perhaps Jamba Juice will suffice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EVEN KINGS AGE

 

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
If you don’t have lunch plans for Friday, The Shenaniganator and I would like to take you out for the promise-we-won’t-mention-that-you’re-aging meal of your choice. If not, no worries. Training new friends can be a bitch.

THE KING()

THE KING
I’m actually off on Friday. We could do Tuesday if you guys want. Or nothing at all and I’ll bring you both a delicious slice of carrot cake, which is the bestest of cakes.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Yes to carrot cake and we’ve got fingers crossed that you taking Friday off means you have good plans.

THE KING()

THE KING
Mostly they involve the DMV at the moment, but yeah I’ll figure something out.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
We cannot promise to ignore King’s Day altogether, but we will try to keep it tasteful and spectacle-free as his majesty prefers.

THE KING()

THE KING
I shall kill a fattened calf and wake the minstrels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BENEATH A SHADELESS TREE

She is always over-dressed and under-shaded. She seems  forever excruciatingly warm, in need of a Slurpee, a strappy sundress and one of those wide-brimmed hats that bikini girls get photographed in on the beach. But no. She sat here for forty years, so they say, judging this and that and ultimately sending a king’s army into battle after a god whispered in her ear to make it so. I wonder though, if she was just tired of all those soldiers with their machismo and bar fights and belching contests. Maybe she just wanted some peace and quiet, to get inside take a cool bath and put her pajamas on. I could see that. Wars have been fought for lesser things.

 

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SWEET DANCE MOVES

 

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
I beg of you, stop the funny, or I will die of hilarity here and now.

THE KING()

THE KING
Some kill with kindness. Others, the sword …

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
And others still, sweet dance moves.

THE KING()

THE KING
Yes, but sweet dance moves only slay the ladies. I don’t discriminate.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
I would never judge your lack of discrimination, but I AM a little judgy about a lack of sweet, sweet dance moves.

THE KING()

THE KING
So long as sweetness is in the eye of the beholder.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Of course the sweetness of said moves is always the beholders purview. Btw…the prophet’s words might be less harsh if the king were to provide more comfortable digs than this not-so-shady tree .

THE KING()

THE KING
Why dost thou murmur against thy King?

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
That thou hast slayed with wit but withheld thy sweet, sweet dance moves, gives the Prophet pause, reconsidering the righteousness of thy reign.

THE KING()

THE KING
My child, if the King witholdeth his dance moves, perhaps it is because your frail mortal eyes would be blinded by the glory. Murmur not against thy King, who hath given thee succor and protecteth thee with his mighty right hand.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Thy poor servant begs the King’s forgiveness and throws herself upon thy majesty’s mercy. Twas not a lack of faith in the sweetness of thy dance moves that moved her to speak. Rather, the Prophet murmured in thy favor. For as it hath been foretold, a day will come when the King will undertake some rash, impetuous action with no thought of propriety or self-consciousness. As a true believer, the Prophet only hoped to witness the fulfillment of this great glory before her aged eyes gave out. I beseech the to allow thy servant to remain under thy protection.

THE KING()

THE KING
The King, in his righteous anger, beheaded the false prophet who foretold the calamity thou dost describe. The Holy Order of Scribes struck the blasphemers words from the Glorious Cannon many years in the past. Now hearken unto my words – thou hast been a boon to my heavy brow these many years past, and, though the King’s wrath is fierce, His mercy is infinite and unfailing. If thou doth repent of thy iniquity and pursueth the righteous path, thy King will forgive, and thy sins shall be remembered no more.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
The lowly servant again throws herself upon thy mercy. Mercifully, she misses and lands face-first upon the floor. There is weeping. Some gnashing. A fair amount of rending, tho not enough to offend thy modesty. The Prophet says nothing of the fact that the King’s legendary asceticism itself gave rise to the prophecy in question. She begs only for absolution.

THE KING()

THE KING
The King’s vaunted modesty and asceticism are accompanied by regal and unparalleled stoicism. Thy King desireth not the rending of your garments nor your tear-ducts, but merely the comeliness of a good and kind heart, which trendeth not towards snide mockery and jesting.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Thy chastened prophet shall retire to the garden to pound hymns out of an ancient piano and examine her own heart, which is kind and compassionate to a fault but has not been considered “good” in decades.

THE KING()

THE KING
Seek solace in thy music, o prophetess, for such is good for the spirit. Her that seeth much sheds many tears.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
So it is written. So shall it be done.

 

SOCIALIST GOATS

THE KING()

THE KING
The Chocolate Sourdough, I presume. Was it worth the wait?

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Totally. I served it with a Cheesecake goat’s cheese.

THE KING()

THE KING
Well, perhaps it was Meyenberg goat cheese.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Are those the socialists?

THE KING()

THE KING
No it’s a brand of goat’s milk, the only palatable one that I’m aware of.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
My way was funnier.

 

THE KING()

THE KING
Associating politics with the innocent (albeit dull and glassy) eyes of the bovine community is a heresy of the first order.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
I beseech thee for thy forgiveness.

THE KING()

THE KING
Cow dare you.

AS THE LARD DESIRETH

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
One can’t help but wonder if The King wearing a gray shirt on a Friday, rather than the traditional eye-boggling yellow is some kind of signal or a cry for help.

THE KING()

THE KING
Or perhaps a sign that the brother who does laundry is lazy and hasn’t washed the yellow shirt that was placed in the laundry basket two Friday’s hence.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Laundry Brother shall be publicly shamed for inconveniencing The King and thus disrupting the balance of The Kingdom.

THE KING()

THE KING
Laundry Brother was beheaded last night in a public ceremony. The King must be kept in a good humour.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
The Prophetess nearly suggested flogging but thought it perhaps overly harsh for the brother of The King. Thou art a just and dispassionate ruler.

THE KING()

THE KING
The King’s order was for a symbolic beheading, an effigy to be built by the skilled craftsmen of the laundry brother’s village. Alas, the skilled craftsmen of said village are a bloodthirsty lot, and feel no kinship for those of the anime brotherhood. Forsooth, these men took mine order literally. The King must now shed quiet tears and bear his burden alone, with nothing but an anime mouse pad to remember his brother by.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Thou needeth only to say The Word and thy Prophetess will go as thy emissary to Laundry Brother’s village and burn it to the ground. In its place, thy penitent craftsmen will be made to build a temple in honor of the anime brotherhood and upon a pillar carved to resemble a pile of yellow polo shirts, the sacred mouse pad will displayed. And oh, the word is LARD.

THE KING()

THE KING
The will of the LARD must not be questioned. As the LARD desireth, so it shall be done.

 

 

 

 

IT DOES A BODY GOOD

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Following up on brilliant-books-i-am-loathe-to-read: “The magical realist style and thematic substance of ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’ established it as an important representative novel of the literary Latin American Boom of the 1960s and 1970s, which was stylistically influenced by Modernism and the Cuban Avant-Garde literary movement.” Glad I ended up with Dostoevsky instead.

THE KING()

THE KING
Somehow, labeling books as important representatives of such-and-such a style often cheapens them. The book is probably better than the reductive categorization listed below… Nonetheless, I’d wager at least three Oreos that The Brothers Karamazov (TBK) is better.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Damnit, now I want Oreos.

THE KING()

THE KING
There are some in the office kitchen. Not as popular as I had imagined when I brought them in. You’re welcome to help me polish them off.

THE PROPHET()

THE PROPHET
Things I have learned in the last three minutes: 1) It’s probably time for me to at least try dipping a cookie in milk 2) Oreo memes take an uncomfortable turn pretty quickly 3) The creamy center of the Oreo was originally made from pork fat 4) … so lard.

THE KING()

THE KING
Agreed, all four counts. Lard: it does a body good.

 

 

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